If you’re the average youngin’, you’re used to doing some mild creeping on Facebook, and that’s totally acceptable. But once you’ve had the idea to start creepin on Match, you can’t give it up. Nor should you. It’s basically Internet shopping for people.

See when I was home this past Christmas, my mom and I did some quality bonding, watching The Millionaire Matchmaker. Patti’s a big advocate of being proactive in your love life. As we watched our Matchmaker Marathon, she called out millionaire after millionaire for being a lazy lion and just waiting for girls to come to them, but never making the effort to go out themselves and find the kind of girl they wanted. Lying there on the couch in my elephant hobo suit (full on size large grey sweatshirt/pants. I.e. the usual sexy lounge-attire you should all be imagining me in), I began to worry. Was I a lazy lion? Was I going to end up a successful millionaire, but 40 and all alone? (Probs not that millionaire part…) So I made it my new year’s resolution to meet new people.

I returned to Florida with said mission in mind, and the conviction to accomplish it. I’m a pretty fearless girl, so I didn’t bother my pretty little head about cyber-creepos. I went straight to find out what this Match.com business was all about. Internet dating has seemed to become mainstream- my sister did it, my cousin did it, it’s on TV and in magazines. Perhaps it still seems a bit odd, but it’s not worth anything to always be worrying what people will think of you, you’ll miss out on so much! And then you’ll just end up a sad old millionaire.

Now first, how they rope you in:

I went to the website. But wait! I had to create a profile to even go look at people. Well whatever, it’s not like my mind wasn’t on that track anyway, so I got on with it. Now my girlfriends and I could lurk away to our hearts’ content.  And oh, there were many highly intelligent men to be found…


At this point it occurred to me that I do live in Florida, perhaps I should have just gone “enjoying ther beach” etc etc, and picked up a guy that way.


But I’ve tried this before and it wasn’t too successful. I just don’t think my boobs are big enough to pull this one off. So I carried on.

I did my lurkin, and it was a grand old time. There are a lot of uggos, some hotties, and a ton of guys with inexplicable outfits/mustaches. I actually am very curious what the girls on the site look like, but I haven’t gotten up the creep in me to make a fake profile as a man. However, I’m sure the girls are much more sensible. We usually are.

I went to bed. Then in the morning something miraculous awaited me: 24 messages! 3 winks! What did this mean? (Double rainbow?) Clearly the world had finally acknowledged that I am the hottest hottie, and 24 hunks were just dying to take me out. I always suspected this day would come.

But Match has another trick up its sleeve- you gotta pay your 30$ to see what’s up with the messages. Eh it’s not that much, whatever. Besides, my future rich husband just emailed me, so that kind of money was pocket change to me now.

Then, the great reveal….



Hm. I, too, do not wish to have sex with you. A match indeed.




I believe the proper response to this is: AHHHHHH




Well, now that the subject line is “Friends,” I feel much more comfortable with you, 43 year-old man. But I still think I’m gonna pass up this opportunity for friendly spoilage. (In retrospect, I do feel a little regret. Because how awesome would the blog post “The Time I Had A Sugar Daddy” have been? I feel I could have suffered through one date to be rewarded with that kind of a quality story. Well, maybe next time.)

Other candidates included a guy that insisted so often that he’s not a creeper, he has completely convinced me that he certainly must be, some chubby teenagers, and greased-up body builders. Actually there were a few normal guys with potential. I had said I wasn’t interested in anyone over 26, but I did almost break that rule for a 31 year old who was a strangely attractive combo to me of my high school physics teacher, parents’ personal trainer, and Adam Levine. He was nice, but really too old for me, and I knew it. But what really kicked him to the curb was when he mentioned the words “Olive Garden” in conjunction with potential restaurants for a first date. PLEASE.

All in all, I obviously did not meet the love of my life online. But it was a good resource for meeting new people in my area. I made some friends, got some free meals, got some free car maintaining. I now know how to put air in my tires. Ha jk, I know how to follow around a guy and screw the screws back on the tires after he puts the air in for me. I can’t say that Match appeared to have a great algorithm for calculating compatibility- it generally all looked like this to me: “You both like dogs! 95% match!”. But my conclusion is that people shouldn’t worry about the stigma surrounding online dating. Sure there are weirdos, but that’s no breed of guy specific to the Internet. Go ahead and try it for yourself if you’re curious.

This spring, one of my friends came to visit me. Our first night together was pretty eventful. I found my new patron saint, the reclining Buddha. After much meditation, he unlocked my mind to an ancient Chinese secret…



So that’s what nirvana is like…

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