To my sistas who have ever found themselves uncontrollably snarfing a bag of potato chips, lying in bed all morning eating chocolate, inexplicably crying while unloading the dishwasher, or tiptoeing down the hall in the dead of night to pilfer your roommate’s ice cream,
We need to do something about this injustice.
I’m talking about the injustice that only women have to go through PMS.
Today I was walking with my girl friend and she told me something horrifying. She had mentioned to her doctor that she felt like her PMS’s were especially bad lately, and he said that made sense because women in the 18-25 age range have more rampantly fluctuating hormone levels. He said it’s almost like going through a second puberty.
Sistas, I think I speak for all of this when I say,
AH HELLLLLLLL NO. I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THAT!
Second puberty? Once was enough, mother fucker. I did my time in seventh grade- awkwardly taller than all the boys, braces, general greasiness. Ya, I remember that, and I’ll be damned if you’re sending me back for another round.
This doctor continued, “Yes, and it’s even worse since you’re around other girls all the time.”
DEM BITCHES! At this point in her story I physically pushed my girl friend away from me. We all know about syncing up, but all y’alls pheromones are up-ing my crazy factor too? There needs to be an app for this. I want an app that works like heat vision, but that shows how much pheromones all my girl friends are giving off. Boyfriends may also find a use for this app too. And by that I mean they can use it to determine the best time to come bearing gifts of chocolate, not to undermine all of our superior arguments with that “are you on your period?” crap.
Now I was becoming indignant. We women have to suffer through the horrors of PMS, which if we make it through alive ends in blood shooting out of our vag, but men don’t have anything? “Ohh no I woke up with a boner!” Wah wah wah. Waistband that shit. “Ooh I accidentally jizzed on my sheets” Fuck you! I wake up and it looked like a massacre occurred in my bed overnight! What do you think is harder to get out, some clear white jizz or blood red BLOOD?
And what’s the reward for our struggles? Oh great, I get the opportunity to waddle around like a pumpkin for 9 months and then force a football sized human out my vag. Brilliant. If PMS is any indicator for how I’m gonna be pregnant, men of the world, watch out. Rapunzel’s mother was craving some salad? She had it easy! I’m going to end up a 200 pound monster and with a child named Caramel Crunch Bar locked away in Nestle’s Toll House. If I have any self control it will be to aim for a slightly human-name-sounding craving like Kit Kat or Baby Ruth.
So this is where the feminist in me says it has to stop. I am officially petitioning God (and hoping that he reads these blog posts rather selectively…) to institute a MANstrual period. I’m not talking about like when a guy’s favorite sports team loses and he mopes about the house for days on end like a lil pussy. I mean I want some mood swings, some cravings, some unjustified craziness that can only be tamed with chocolate. Give me blood! I’d like to see how today’s greatest innovators handle The Manpon and a pad with room for balls. I want to see commercials where men twirl around in skirts, dance in all white outfits, and splash in skimpy bikinis on the beach to demonstrate how free they feel. Yes, this is what I want.
Now I’ll be lenient- I don’t particularly want to see a man try to push a baby out of his…. Yowza, that would inhumane. I’ll let that particular burden to women be offset by men’s general stupidity. But for the rest of it: let’s go, God.
So who’s gonna sign this petition with me?
On a slightly off-topic aside, check out all the things you can learn by Google Image-searching ‘tampon’.
There’s a website called Tamponcrafts.com
Disgusting, but also quite creative. I give props.
You’re so right.