Jesus is a hot, shirtless artist, painting in the Arts and Warehouse District. Let me tell you people, he looks just like in The Bible. And by that I mean The Bible TV Miniseries.
Except, thank goodness, he has shaved off his scruff and trimmed his hair a bit. Still, his golden locks flow in the wind, shimmering in the sunlight (further proof it was Jesus- he was indoors). And his abs? Ohhhhh, Jesus has a six-pack.
Unfortunately, I don’t think I made a great impression on Jesus.
Sarah and I were walking, checking out the district, when we started to pass some windows. I glanced over, and with the reflexes of true woman (Cats have nothing on us. If you’ve ever seen a PMSing chick spot chocolate, or a bridesmaid snatch a bouquet out of the air, you know the kind of superior reflexes I’m talking about.), I shouted to Sarah, “Hot guy!”. At this point I was full prairie-dog-sounding-the-snake-alarm: eyes narrowed in on my subject, nose senting the wind (Jesus didn’t smell like anything, but that makes sense- the only cologne he needs is holy water), even my hands were up prairie-style, holding onto the window ledge.
Jesus was painting a wall. I’m not really sure what he was painting, because in all honesty everything around his shirtless torso was obscured in a sort of haze. Must have been his halo.
At first he was profile to us, but then he turned to face us with his full sexy Jesus glory.
I was like,
“Hallelujah! My Savior commeth!”
Then he was like,
I wish. Right, sorry, I got a little carried away in the prairie dog image search results…
What really happened then was I dropped to the ground, pulling Sarah with me. Crouched on the sidewalk, we looked up to realize the window was open at the top. Jesus probably heard all the very un-saintly things I was saying about him. And poor Sarah didn’t even see his front. As we scuttle-crab-crawled away, I tried to explain how on TV Jesus was played by a Portuguese telenovela star, and the casting was perfect, but the reference was lost on her.
Still, doesn’t he need some chocolate?