This morning my alarm went off, and I started my day with the pleasant thought,

“Shut up, you rat-faced mother fucker!”

I reflected on this with some satisfaction, as my iPhone now knew I was not someone to be taking any shit, but also with a little disquiet. My word choice was a bit… harsh. And while no one can deny there’s a certain ring to “Fuck you, you fucking fuck,” I feel like there’s room for improvement.

The best insults combine creativity and intelligence into one well placed, satisfying slap in the face that resounds with a nice CRACK and brings a smile to your lips. A “fuck you” derivative is a punch in the lumpy gut, inspiring an “oompf” from the receiver, but no real pleasure for the inflictor. When you scream “fuck you!” it’s usually in the heat of the moment, and you end up having to apologize. A well crafted insult, however, shows you are still cool, calm, and collected. You have your wits about you and have done proper analysis of your foe’s short comings to deliver this individualized, crafted, gift. It’s not a bitch slap, it’s a gentleman’s, let me take off my white glove first, slap. You feel no need to recant, because you meant what you said, and anyway, no one should be disavowing a work of art like you’ve produced.

Now anyone who has made it through high school knows to whom the young acolyte should go to learn the ways of the grand master insulter: William Shakespeare. So today, I would like to pay tribute to some of my favorite insults of his, and bring inspiration to us all who aspire to better ourselves.

How vast an upgrade Shakespeare makes to insults of the dumb-fuck, fuck-tard variety:

You abilities are too infant-like for doing much alone.

Coriolanus (2.1.36)

You had measured how long a fool you were upon the ground.

Cymbeline (1.2.26)

I shall cut out your tongue.

‘Tis no matter, I shall speak as much wit as thou afterwards.

Troilus and Cressida (2.1.106)

Men from children nothing differ.

Much Ado About Nothing (5.1.36)

Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!

Macbeth

[Your] brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage.

As You Like It

 

Where we’ve left ourselves with a pitifully depleted vocabulary weak with words like schmooze and gold-digger, look at the skill he displays to cooly scorn someone’s social endeavors:

I wonder that you will still be talking. Nobody marks you.

Much Ado About Nothing (1.1.104)

More of your conversation would infect my brain.

Coriolanus (2.1.91)

[Thou art] a very superficial, ignorant, unweighing fellow.

Measure for Measure

I will most humbly take my leave of you.

You cannot, sir, take from me anything that I will not more willingly part withal.

Hamlet

No man’s pie is freed from his ambitious finger.

Henry VIII (1.1.94)

Such inordinate and low desires,
Such poor, such bare, such lewd, such mean attempts,
Such barren pleasures, rude society,
As thou art match’d withal, and grafted to!

Henry IV, part I

Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.

All’s Well That Ends Well

 

And never would he deign to use words so crude as fat-ass or fugly. (Although I do think there’s something psychologically clever about fugly. It’s a soft word, but does’t it immediately evoke the image of a wrinkly pug?)

[Thou] sanguine coward, [thou] bed-presser, [thou] horseback-breaker, [thou] huge hill of flesh!

Henry IV, part I

The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes.

Coriolanus (5.4.18)

Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!

Timon of Athens

Thou hast the most unsavoury similes.

Henry IV (1.2.75)

Thou wert best set thy lower part where thy nose stands.

All’s Well That Ends Well

You should be women and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so.

Macbeth

 

And everyone must admire Shakespeare’s sheer creativity:

Some report a sea-maid spawn’d him; some that he was begot between two stock-fishes. But it is certain that when he makes water his urine is congealed ice.

Measure for Measure (3.2.56)

You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!

Henry IV, part I

Thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood.

King Lear

What, you egg! Young fry of treachery!

Macbeth

Thou elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog!

Richard III

 

He knew how to hit someone where it hurts:

Your virginity, your old virginity is like one of our French wither’d pears: it looks ill, it eats drily.

All’s Well That Ends Well

Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

All’s Well That Ends Well

[Thou art] a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.

All’s Well That Ends Well

 

I personally appreciate the short and sweet:

Thou mis-shapen dick!

Henry VI (5.5.35)

 

And can you imagine how much fun we would all have shouting this instead of “fuck off”?

Avaunt, you cullions!

Henry V (3.2.20)

I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you moldy rogue, away!

Henry IV, part 2

 

So let’s conclude with a final collection of quotations delivered, surprisingly fittingly, by cats.

 http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/shakespearean-insults-to-use-in-everyday-life

And go out into the world with a healthy eagerness to improve ourselves… at others’ expense.

Cheers!

 

PPs. for further inspiration: http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/

Her words are running out of her mouth, racing, gasping. Crawling, clawing to get over her teeth, tripping, stumbling, falling out. Her tongue wags lazily, not quite hitting the notes, cutting corners. Enunciation was never of value to her. Her lips only meet briefly. Casual lovers, always rushing. Quick kisses, they brush, rough and careless. Rarely will they rest to lie together. It seems too intimate.

I’ve come across two strange public bathroom inventions. “What?” you think, “Like a new soap dispenser?” No, not quite…

Exhibit A) The toll bathroom.

I felt quite incensed that I had to pay 25 cents to use the bathroom at this SF movie theatre. It’s a cruel gimmick to charge people to pee.

IMG_4259    IMG_4257Exhibit B) The child restraining/coerced voyeur seat.

I mean really this is actually probably a pretty smart invention. I can imagine the harried mother with the toddler that is always trying to escape, or the baby in a stroller she doesn’t want to let out of her sight, that needs this device. I just wonder if the bathroom designer was enlightened enough to put the same seat in the men’s bathroom as well?

a smart inventionNow enjoy this poem I wrote several years ago after a traumatizing experience in an airport bathroom. You’ll relate.

Oh dear God, what happened here?

I’ve walked into a bathroom stall

where something sketchy clearly did befall.

 

Wasn’t it a nice-looking woman that just emerged?

Like a witness after the fact,

in a daze, my memory I must wrack.

 

I’ve been taken by surprise, just a bit hysterical-

trying to imagine what possible situation

could have culminated in my current tribulation.

 

She must have been crouching at some height…

To find just what I’d need a spatter analysis.

Not by me, I’ve been seized by a sudden paralysis.

 

No, I’m not equipped to handle this scene!

And I know it might seem quite lowly,

but I think I’ll just back away slowly.

 

I wanted to get you a souvenir,

because I really do wish you were here.

 

On a layover in between flights.

Strolling and seeing the gift-shoppy sights.

 

I had the idea and it really seemed great,

but I’m having trouble finding something you won’t hate.

 

At first I was looking at those racks of keychains,

But I wouldn’t even counter-cyclical spend on those for Maynard Keynes.

 

Would you like a pair of reading glasses?

A bag of Swedish Fish, Starbursts, or Sour Patches?

 

What about a magazine? This gossip’s legit:

Jenn’s back with Brad, he and Angie are split!

 

I’ve never seen such a prestigious Chex Mix collection:

Traditional, Cheddar, Bold, Hot n Spicy, Trail Mix, Choc & Pnb Confection.

 

Plushies, romance novels, baseball hats?

I wasn’t going for any of that.

 

On the walls hung packages of Jack Links Beef Steak Nuggets,

But I couldn’t decide between Hickory Smoked and Teriyaki, so I just said fuck it.

 

I guess this will have to be your souvenir,

A poem to say that I miss you my dear.

I was going through papers cleaning up my room and found some brilliant poetry of mine from high school. This one was to my best friend- we always used to go on walks at night and talk about our lives. It reminds me of some other very blog-worthy stories I have to tell involving her. Stayed tuned for The Night of Fifteen Boys and a Mountain Lion…

Elephant Hobo Suit

I have this little outfit,

it really is quite cute.

One of my very favorites,

I call it Elephant Hobo Suit.

 

Big grey sweats and hoodie,

Goes well with messy hair.

No boy could resist it, could he?

That’s why I’ll never share.

 

This suit’s for one girl only-

My very bestest friend.

I wear it on late night walks with her

cuz she’ll be with me til the end.<3

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